Happy Twentieth to our friends everywhere. The essay An Epicurean Approach to Secularizing Rites of Passage–which seeks to demonstrate how we can purge them of superstition and apply contractarian ideas to them–was just published at Infidels.org, and blogger Eric Barker has published the essay This Is How To Make Emotionally Intelligent Friendships: 6 Secrets, which resonates with Epicurean doctrines on friendship. We also came across Arnav Paruthi’s essay Epicurus: The one who thought pleasure was the ultimate good.
In the past, we’ve discussed Peri Omilias (On conversations), aka PHerc 873:
This scroll asks: “What is inappropriate speech, and what is appropriate speech“? …. Philodemus says that a sage’s speech is pleasant and his conversations reflect his happy and tranquil state of mind. Bad speech occurs in bad society and cultivates vice.
… we learn that there’s a limit to conversation (omilias peras, The Ethics of Philodemus
, page 122). Philodemus teaches various tactics of speech, and praises selective silence: we must know when to speak and when not to.
According to IEP, On Conversation examines the social settings of different types of speech, the usefulness of staying silent, and contemplation. The little that we have on Peri Omilias does not allow for a very in-depth study of the subject of conversation, but it serves as a good conversation starter. This essay is my attempt to create a short, modern epitome on conversation.
The Utility of Conversation
As our friendships develop, we learn to cooperate and create something together. Conversations constitute many of the units that concretely make up how that friendship is experienced. I have often described the second field of meleta as a friendly “conversation among friends“, and have said that this is how we experience Epicurean philosophy.
We are able to get to know each other through conversation. Some authors even argue that conversation is an art. When you ex-press your-self, you are pressing your self out into the world, as if into an art piece. A part of you, of your mind, takes the shape of words, or art, or–in this case–conversation. In The Art of Conversation: A Guided Tour of a Neglected Pleasure, author Catherine Blyth argues that conversation is necessary for normal human development:
“Babies who aren’t talked to, or who are talked at abusively, grow disruptive and can’t express themselves.”
She says that good chat has wit, vitality, clarity, and tact, and that “good talkers get dates and win contracts“. True conversation enriches relationships, and is also a medicine for isolation, but friendship takes time to develop. True conversation allows us to pay a visit to the head of another human being. It requires attention and interest in the other. Each conversation is a step in the direction of strengthening our circle.
Conversation and justice
Our theory of justice requires consent or agreement, ergo communication is essential for a righteous society. There can be no justice without true and efficient communication. Our word is our power, it’s the means by which we give consent or agreement to others, and so conversation is shared power, cooperation, equality.
We are reminded of the myth of the Tower of Babel, where the god of the desert decided he didn’t want humans having conversations because that would lead them to huge achievements, and so he cursed them by confusing their languages. The myth seems to be saying that high levels of efficient communication have the power to raise us to a god-like status and to achievements so great that even the gods would be jealous. Good, effective communication is how problems are solved non-violently and intelligently, and it’s how great projects reach their completion.
Clear Speech and Clear Thinking Go Together
Obscurity is of two kinds: intentional and unintentional. It is intentional when one has nothing to say and conceals the poverty of his thought by obscure language that he may seem to say something useful. Connected with this is the use of many digressions, poetic images, recondite allusions and archaic language. Solecisms prevent the hearer from understanding many things. Only the true philosopher is free from these faults. – Philodemus, in Rhetorica
True and useful communication requires clarity–in fact, clarity is the only requirement in Epicurus’ rhetoric. Clear speech and clear thinking go together and assist each other. We think more clearly when we know how to express our ideas well, and we express our ideas well if we have a strongly developed habit of thinking clearly, empirically and critically. In this way, clear speech and clear thinking form a virtuous cycle. When we think aloud, we learn better.
How to be a good conversationalist
Conversation can be (un)satisfying, but it’s possible to learn and practice conversation skills. Z Hereford says:
You can develop the ability to listen attentively, ask fitting questions, and pay attention to the answers – all qualities essential to the art of conversation.
This is where our ongoing educational projects, our openness to learn something new frequently, really comes in handy. Doing this makes us interesting and gives us something to say.
Expand your vocabulary by reading and writing more. Look up words you’re not familiar with. Make efforts to find the words that most accurately express what you’re intending to say, or (as the founders of Epicurean philosophy did) coin or re-purpose words for the sake of clarity, always making sure to clearly define them prior to using them in conversation.
Think before you speak. Learn to communicate your emotions, even when in an emotional state. Try to remain objective. If you can’t, then wait until when you’re calm. Take time to think your position through before speaking. There’s also the practice of eye contact, which increases intimacy and attention.
Formal versus Informal Speech
Blythe’s book establishes a difference between different modes of conversation. A distant approach is formal; an approach that gives options or shows deference is hesitant; and a friendly approach is direct.
She notes that political correctness impedes interpersonal relations. Politeness and tolerance are okay for a diverse society, but true friendship allows (and sometimes requires) intimacy, openness and frankness: you can be yourself with a friend.
Public Speech is not Conversation
“I write this not for the many, but for you; each of us is enough of an audience for the other.” – Epicurus
Conversation is an active, social faculty of the soul with strong links to our sense of identity and personal history. Now, I am speaking here of conversation as opposed to public speaking, which was discouraged as a career path in Diogenes’ Wall Inscription because it produces “nervousness and insecurity”. Public speaking is also more impersonal than conversation. The Epicurean seeks true, face-to-face interpersonal relations (friendships), which require intimacy and trust. Conversation is not the same as public speaking.
Laertius did report that Epicureans gave lectures, but only upon invitation. This means that there was a clear distinction, from the beginning, in Epicurean philosophy between intimate discourse and public discourse. We see, for instance, that Philodemus of Gadara separates public parrhesia (meant to criticize society at large) versus private parrhesia (meant to develop the character of a friend) as two distinct forms of frank criticism–presumably because they require different skills and attempt to accomplish different goals. All of this means that, to communicate efficiently, we must take into consideration our audience.
Also, true conversation may take place through modern social media, but media may also hinder it because it encourages a failure to meet the eye, or at times the distraction of phones becomes an excuse for poor interpersonal relations. There are many pros with modern media: conversations via email and messenger are not in real time, which allows for more thought-out responses, clarity, accuracy … but as for the cons: these conversations are less personal, and to the extent that we outsource our thinking to machines (which are now developing algorithms to attempt to finish our sentences), we ourselves risk becoming to some extent unthinking automatons. Lazy and unattentive conversation makes for a poor quality of communication.
The 20th as a Friendly-Epicurean-Conversation Workshop
Epicurus categorized breaking bread with a fellow human being as that which makes us different from lions and wolves. He taught that we become properly civilized through friendly conversation.
Many cultures have their own traditions of intellectual discourse, and furnish opportunities for learning to engage in true, efficient, and wholesome conversation. I recently shared an epitome of the Havamal’s wisdom tradition around the subject of conversation. I was originally going to include the Havamal’s advice in this essay, but I quickly realized that it has such practical, complete, rich and varied recommendations that it deserved its own separate essay–so please read, enjoy, comment on, and share both essays.
There are other “conversation cultures” out there: the Paris salon–where both great thinkers and everyday intellectuals have for generations nurtured lively philosophical discussions–, the Scandinavian Fika, and the Spanish sobremesa and tertulia–all of which incorporate their versions of the Epicurean practice of the Twentieth feast and conversation. Epicurus intended to institute a version of this within the Hellenistic philosophical context. To get the most out of this practice, we should do what Blyth recommends in her book:
“Incorporate conversation into your personal evolution.” – Catherine Blyth, in The Art of Conversation: A Guided Tour of a Neglected Pleasure
Further Reading:
The Havamal
TED Speech: The art of meaningful conversation
The Autarkist 